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Something’s Fishy Here

ost of us have at least one, favorite fishing story that tickles our funny bone. And we all know that fishermen are born honest, but they soon get over it. I was once told by an angling buddy of mine that all fishermen were liars except me and him, but sometimes he wasn’t so sure about me.

A friend of mine who consistently catches big fish refuses to allow anyone to bring a tape measure or a scale aboard his boat. When I asked him why, he smiled and said, “it tends to reduce the length and weight of the fish I catch.”

Here are a few of my favorite fishing stories—

…There was the woman fishing in her boat and along comes a game warden who pulls alongside her and says, “Good morning Ma’m. What, exactly, are you doing?”

“It should be obvious,” she replies. “I’m reading my book.”

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” the warden informs her.

“But officer,” she replies, “I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“Yes, “he says, “but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you a citation.”

“If you do that,” she says, “I’ll have to charge you with rape.”

“But Ma’m” the warden says, “I haven’t even touched you.”

“That’s true,” she smiles, “but you have all the equipment…”

…And how about the two winter steelhead fishermen standing side by side, braving the wind and rain as they cast into a river that flows near the edge of town. As they continue to fish, a funeral procession passes on the street adjacent to the river. “…Looks like the end of the road for somebody,” one of them remarks.

“…Yup,” replies the other fisherman, “…a lovely lady. We were married 42 years…”

…Ed Zern, the great humorist who wrote “Exit Laughing”, the hilarious column for Field & Stream magazine years ago, told of how he once tried to find someone who had actually shot fish in a barrel. Unable to locate anyone who’d performed the so-called

simple feat, Zern decided to try it himself. Filling his .458 Winchester elephant rifle with 500 grain bullets, he proceeded to mount a rickety stepladder and blast into a rain barrel filled with 36 goldfish. The barrel exploded, sending goldfish sailing all over the garage packed with spectators. Zern was knocked off the ladder, landing on top of several onlookers who hardly noticed because they were stunned by the concussion of the powerful blast. Meanwhile, several cats hanging out in the garage went charging around, chasing the goldfish that were blown out of the barrel. Zern’s two, setter pups jumped out of his car and took off after the cats. The police showed up and Zern paid a ten-dollar fine for discharging a firearm in a residential area. He also dislocated his shoulder when he fell off the ladder. A friend standing nearby said, “You know that old expression, “A sitting duck? Well, I’m thinking now, I wonder how easy it would be to…hey, where are you going?” his friend asked as Zern took it on the lam, quickly exiting the garage.
…Have you heard the one about the young guy who moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under the roof department store” looking for a job?

The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri.”

“You can start tomorrow,” the manager says. “I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

The kid’s first day on the job was a corker, but he got through it.

After locking up the store, the manager asked the kid, “How many sales did you make today?”

The kids says,”One.”

“Just one!!?”the boss replies. You should have averaged between 20 and 30! How much money did you make?”

“One hundred and one thousand dollars, plus some change,” the kid answers.

The boss is flabbergasted. “What the heck did you sell!!?”

“Well, “the kid replies, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Them I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to that department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the auto department and sold him a 4x4 Expedition.”

The boss, his mouth hanging open, says, “He came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck!!!”

The kids says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, “Well, your weekend’s shot. You might as well go fishing…”

…And how about the guy who complains to the owner of a bait store, “I need to get smarter than the fish.”

“That’s easy,” the proprietor says, “you need to start eating fish heads.”

“Are you sure about that?” the guys asks.

“Absolutely,” the owner says. “It’s a known fact.”

The guy buys two pounds of fish heads, comes back in a week, and complains, “I don’t feel any smarter yet.”

“You need to eat more fish heads,” the owner says.

The man purchases another five pounds of fish heads, and returns in another week. “This isn’t working. I know I’m not any smarter, and eating those fish heads isn’t going to make me any smarter.”

“Not true,” the owner smiles. “Look at what you’ve learned in a little over two weeks.

You’re smarter already.”

…And finally, there was the monastery in financial trouble that goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money. One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers.

The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”

“No,” the friar answers. “I’m the chip monk.”

Don E. Webster has been engaged in a wide variety of outdoor pursuits for over 60 years. His recently published book, Bury Me In My Waders -- An Old Duck Hunter Recalls His Fowl Past, currently ranks among the most popular, best-selling duck hunting books on Amazon Books and Amazon Kindle. His next book, “Double-Ought Buck” a novel, will be available in December. Webster was the recipient of the 2013 Phil Ford Humor Award from the Outdoor Writer’s Association of California for his hilarious description of hunting dogs in his MyOutdoorBuddy column entitled “Canine Comics.” Don's website is donewebster.com.

 

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